Of Satin and Chiffon, Oh, and Lack of a 5’11” frame

So… I have this theory….

There is a reason why bridesmaids and brides are indeed supposed to be fair maidens and virginal; such distinctive traits insure that they have not gained The Honeymoon’s Over 30+ (forget the Freshman 15, kids) nor will they have endured the expansion, contraction and subsequent sagging due to the  bearing of offspring.

In other words, wedding dresses and bridesmaids dresses are for people who still look good!  I’m telling you the truth on this one – I mean just look at how many of these dresses are strapless!  Not to mention that so many of the fabrics, ahem satin, tend to hug every lump and bump a girl’s got, particularly when paired with a shade from the family known as pastel.

So I went dress shopping for my MOH dress for my sister’s wedding today.  Because I love my sister and will do anything I can to make her day great, I opted to, you know, actually try dresses on versus risking an on-line order fiasco.  This was a humbling experience.  Yet one I now know to have been completely necessary.

First off, they didn’t have any of the dress styles in my size that were of the same color my sister has chosen.  So some dresses were hard to imagine the right way, as the colors were all quite wrong.

Secondly, I should have realized that all the models in the catalog are GIANTESSES with legs that never end, and thus all the styles I eschewed as being too short, actually were about right.  And the ones that I thought were a nice modest length, made me look as if I had nubs for legs.

Proof, you ask?  You want proof that it really was.  That.  Bad.  Well look no further.

Pardon the bra straps in this picture – it was the first I tried on. I ditched the bra later. I really do like this one – it is simple, modest neckline, and flattering fit, too.  But that thing I mentioned about satin hugging all the lumps and bumps?  It is kind of doing this in a bright color, and I’m leary about what the lighter sage green (peridot, if you will) might do on my body’s hardly level topography.

This one fit ok in the skirt and with the length, but the halter would need to be trimmed so that the bust would come up – too low and much boobage is viewable.

This one was ok – my arm/boob junction chub kind of overlaps the top seam of the dress which made me somewhat self-conscious, and the length was a lot longer than it appeared to be in the catalog – so I think would look better shorter.

This one is a no go – if you look at my back reflection, my back fat is scooshed such that it looks like I have a butt crack in the middle of my back.  Also – too short on the leg and low on the bust – made me look smooshed down and wide a la a funhouse mirror.  That’s a great look.  Not.

My friend and I really liked this one (particularly that it was chocolate which is a color totally owned by me).  In fact my friend made the remark, “That’s a dress that I’m afraid would have Seth itching to take you into a back room!”  LOL.  Concern: it is cotton sateen and they had no peridot anything in sateen with which we could compare and get a read on what the fabric/color combo might actually look like WORN.   Reason: like satin, sometimes a light cotton fabric will “cling” to lumps and bumps on a woman’s figure – think heavy girl in khaki pants, ‘nuf said, right?  Also….about this point I began to hate on my shoulders – I am really broad in the shoulders in proportion to the rest of my body and feel as if the length from my shoulders to my chest is kind of long, leaving me feeling quite exposed in a strapless fashion.  If I were to go with this I would probably order a wrap to wear on my shoulders.

This dress is ok too…it’s not my favorite but my friend thought it looked really nice.  It too is the cotton sateen, but flares away from my tummy troubles so it could work well.  Holy cow was that blue friggin’ electric – Debbie Gibson and visions of blue mascara began playing in my gotta-connect-everything-to-pop-culture mind.

In one of the worst color picks of the day, was this palest pink dress – which again was a deceptively LONG dress.  Other than the need for a length alteration, it wasn’t such a bad dress.

There were others – the mod 60’s TANGERINE (I mean who chooses TANGERINE, neon orange, for their wedding color?) that was so NOT flattering to my bod, a few sweetheart necklines in which I felt like Kirstie Alley trying to model Victoria’s Secret (:shudders:) and a few others that were just meh.

On a positive note – my calves have totally deffed up with all the running.  I put those heels on and was like, “Wowza, who’s the chick with the supa hot legs there?”  So the dress might suck [on me], but my legs will totally be rocking the high heels – all is not lost.

Thoughts on any of these dresses?  Make your vote count!

Dear Hanes,

Yes, you Hanes, the underwear, socks and T-shirt company.

Ok, good – I and all of my 20 readers have your attention with that clarification.

So, uh, yeah….your new “wedgie free” undies? Let’s talk ’bout that.

They feel great upon slipping them on.

They even stay put, as promised.

Er, sort of.

On a low-moderate activity, kickin’ it at the house kind of day – A+.

While working out, when being wedgie free is an absolute must lest we get our lady parts all mixed up with sweat from other parts and other nastiness, ahem, Not. So. Much.

Might I suggest that you invest in Goody stay put headbands technology for your leg holes?

Seems like that might actually work.

© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

O, O, O!!!!

Note to BlogHer: No, Zestra is not paying me to write this. You MUST see if they would like to play in our ad program – because EVERY WOMAN needs to know about this product.

Ahem…

Remember how I said that I lost my friend, O? (And no, that does not stand for Oprah or her mag) Because of the very necessary evil that is an SSRI antidepressant? And then I said, well, she’s not GONE forEVER….just not a frequent flier like she used to be?

Well…that last part’s still true. As is the fact that she doesn’t pack as much of a bang with her anymore, and well, lately I’ve been kind of ambivalent because why do ALL THAT WORK for ho-hum?

I mean, when a girl breaks out the toys and the O is still just so-so…meh.

So tonight I’m at Wally World picking up some last minute stuff for our trip. (2 more days!) And I walk by the condom/lube display when I saw something I’d not seen before.

After thoroughly checking it out, I decide what the hay, right?

After a trial run….I have this to say:

RUN, do not walk, and go get thee some Zestra!

I have tried some other stuff that was “sensual,” and “warming,” etc, and they all fell rather flat.

Not only did my O show up to the party, but she packed a toe-curling wallop that I haven’t felt in 2 months or so.

:enter contented sigh:

Heehehe

I am sharing all of this because I’m haunted by Madeline Albright: There is a special circle in hell for women who don’t help other women.

I’m HELPING, y’all!

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Some Spring in my Steps

Yes, Mama P – I am feeling better this week.

Sunday I did some sensory stuff with both kids – crab-walking, wheel-barrow walking, and what we used to call “shuttle runs” when I was in elementary school (you know – run 1/4 way across the gym, touch down, turn around and run back, run 1/2 way across the gym, touch down…anyone??) out in the yard.

Punkinhead is a pro at wheel-barrow walking. LMNOB, not so much. Ahhhhh, a spot of body weakness, hmmmm, shall we try to STRENGTHEN it – in turn strengthening other trunk muscles and thereby increasing SENSATIONS in them? Mayhap, indeed.

Yesterday…since it was the LAST grant hearings night, but was also going to be a late night, well, I came into work later to compensate the hours. That elusive thing we women call balance is nice, after all.

Prior to going in, I scrambled to take advantage of a coupon I’d gotten for 1.) a free bra fitting, 2.) free bra, and 3.)free panty from this store – so long as I purchased $25 of stuff. If you look at their bras, you’ll see this was a STEAL of a deal. I bought 3 pairs of panties for $27, and got another pair PLUS a $45 bra free! So that was nice – because I love quality undergarments.

When I got into the office, I pulled up my e-mail and started writing some minutes that were long overdue, but neglected due to the grant process. The Boss logged off her computer, and said, “When you’re at a stopping point, let me know – I need your help on something.” I finished typing my sentence and said, “Ok, what’s up?” And next thing I knew, the phones were forwarded to voice mail and we were exiting the building.

We got into her car, and she says, “We are not going to have another sucky week, so we are getting pedicures!” The Boss is seriously my hero!

The next 90 minutes were heaven as the our backs and necks were massaged, feet soaked, exfoliated, massaged and beautified. We talked about LMNOB, the OT work we were doing, and preliminary results. And cute men that we knew. And, did I mention that it was GORGEOUS weather here yesterday??

How could I not have more spring in my step after that?

AAAAAAAAHHH!! I’m hemhorraging!

LOL, not really……but I’ve always loved that scene in My Girl where Vada gets her first period and that’s her reaction. Gotcha.

It is that time for me though. And it is quite profuse and as a result, quite disgusting. Gotta love being a woman, eh?

For those of you who think it’s crude and vulgar to discuss such delicate things out in the open like this, that big red x at the top right of your screen? Yeah, you might just go use it.

My blog about my life = subject matter that matters to me. Don’t like? Then buh-bye.

If you write it, they will come

“It” being anything remotely ubus related and/or containing the words “No Boys Allowed.”

“They” being the boys that you desperately do not want to have any sort of mental picture of your chest.

That said, I’m about to venture into the world of brassieres.

Let’s begin, shall we?

I have a hard time finding good bras b/c I’m a weird fit. I’m a 38 B, and my boobs sit further apart and more “to the side” than the fantasy babe model’s whose ubus are sitting straight and center, lol – WAY TMI, I know!

Anywho….I get a coupon/giftcard thingie in the mail for a free panty at Victoria’s Secret, oh and by the way, it says, $10 off any bra, too! LOL, they hook me in with that free panty EVERY time, even though I know this is the marketing ploy of “Bring them in at a $10 cost, show them all the bells and whistles in lingerie, and they will spend at least 3x what it cost you to incent them in the first place!”

So, naturally Charlie Brown and I go in on date nite to claim the prized panties. And, it was no great surprise when the lady wants me to look at/try on bras too. I know that I’m in need of one or two new bras, so I agree to test the latest and greatest.

Victoria’s Secret now carries that new IPEX (which, who comes up with these names anyway, it sounds so SCI-FI – which women generally are NOT) bra, so I try the wired and wireless version.

Soft cup bras are generally pointless for me – the rough equivalent of a sock for lifting and support, and little more than a shelf bra for coverage- so I was leary. But I hate the wire’s discomfort – though VS bras are much more comfy for me.

Enter clouds of enlightenment and harpy music:

The IPEX wireless bra is like HEAVEN NIRVANA, blissfully unaware of life’s troubles, for my boobs!

Lift – CHECK,
Support – one enthusiastic CHECK,
Comfort – Like you can
only IMAGINE! Check Plus!

This bra is so TOTALLY worth its weight in GOLD….not that that would be much cuz it’s pretty light, but ykwim, right?

sigh – that is the sound of one comforted woman

And for you BOYS who just can’t stay away from this topic, please don’t comment! I retain the right to bury my head in the sand as to your now inappropriate knowledge about myself. Help me stay in ignorant bliss.

Also – keep this in mind for your wives. Christmas is coming – do me a favor will ya? Learn your wife’s candid information re: her “girls” and treat ’em right with this bra!

For Girls ONLY – No Boys Allowed!

That is to say, I’m about to go on a body type/clothing rant.

Thus the title of this post is dual in purpose:

1. you of the y chromosome persuasion usually don’t care to hear this talk anyway (so go away!); and
2. it involves my ubus – and I don’t really want guys tuning in to get a mental picture, know what I mean? Ewwww, *shudder*!

So….let the ranting commence…

The other day I’m at Target, for the purpose of getting LMNOB some tights for school as the days are getting cooler. And, feeling a little bit blue lately, I thought to check out the clearance racks and pick me up a little sump’n sump’n somethin’ somethin’ some’in some’in (ok, so I don’t know how in the world you spell that colloquialism, but you know what I’m saying right?!?!) as a pick-me-up.

And so I found this, only in a nice rust-orange color perfectly complementary to a few of my fall outfits (with a jacket of course). And it was marked down to something like $3.25! KA-ching! It was a large, which is the size I must go with since I do not even remotely resemble the model’s body type.

Herein lies the body rant…and somewhat descriptive talk about my ubus. (So, really go away, you boy lurkers!)

I’m a 38B – which I’ve determined is the absolute hardest small-cup bra size to find. (Note the emphasis – I know there are women out there who go higher up the alphabet than D and those bras are tough to find too).

Not to mention that because I’m “little more than a handful” I should be able to wear a large shirt, given the width of my shoulders, arms, etc. And for the cami-type shirts that usually holds true, though sometimes I need to go with a medium b/c of inadequate ubu flesh. I find it difficult though, in the case of button down shirts. What my friends who are a 36 C++ can wear, I cannot, without the tacky gap in between buttons. When I go a size larger, my silhouette becomes frumpish, because, from the armpits down, I am swimming in excess material, even in fitted styles. So, I can either have a form, albeit with little peep shows running up and down my torso, or I can be completely covered and very non-shaped.

But back to the issue at hand….the tank. I put it on today, originally with a bra.

But, because

1. my bra showed thru the macrame; and
2. it had a shelf bra built in,

I quickly discarded the undergarment and put my tank on. With its built in handy dandy shelf bra. I then finished my outfit with my khaki sorta-blazer that I LOVE.

I determined that the total effect was beyond cute, and left the home feeling quite pleased this morning. Until…….

The shelf bra adeptly moved such that my girls were hanging out, which created a nice line across them (not!), and called for several readjustments thru the day. And, don’t get me wrong, my boobs are nice and all, but it’s not my thing to be constantly at them, you know? 😉 I am a girl after all, and not a boy.

The clothing rant is this – so my breasts are REALLY anti-BIG, yet a LARGE shirt doesn’t cover them? Clothing manufacturers make no sense what. so. ever in the U.S..

Ok, cheap clothing manufacturers – after all we are talking Target, but we’re also talking my budget.

I mean, what would a girl who is a C+ cup and yet two inches less in body circumference do? I’d think she’d be falling out more than me! But then, particularly with shelf-bra style tanks/camis, if you go a size too large, you may as well have NOTHING supporting the girls….KWIM?

I know…I know…all the uber savvy shoppers are going to tell me to quit wasting my time and leave Target for Anne Taylor. But that’s a commitment I’m terrified to make. After all a bargain for $3.25 is pretty much unheard of there, right?

Ubu’s

Ok…another sexually awkward post, but from a completely different angle.

Punkinhead has become obsessed with breasts. Particularly mine.

It just came out of nowhere. One day he was sitting on my lap, and he went to cop a feel of the girls. I moved his hand and said, “No baby, those are mine.” Smiled…no big deal, right? Wrong.

Since that first groping, he now cops a feel anytime he’s near me, smiles his “Dennis the Menace” smile, and says, “Mama, I touch your ubus, hehehehe.” The first time I heard the girls referred to as ubus, all I could think of was that old ad that ran after tv shows of my youth. I mistakenly shared this withCharlie Brown, and now, he talks to my chest, “Sit Ubus sit. Good girls.”

The other thing that Punkinhead began doing is when he throws a tantrum (not uncommon for him, he is after all 2), he’ll hit my breasts. I’m not comfortable with the symbolic misogyny of this kind of aggression, and he gets a BIG talking to, time-out, etc. Just for clarification- ANY aggression is a big no-no for this Mommy, but I’m particularly troubled by the long-term, implicit meanings attached to acts of ubu aggression.

Then….maternal doubt:
Did I nurse him too long or not long enough? Did that Victoria’s Secret ad trigger this?

No, having talked to other mommies of boys, this is a somewhat normal phase.

This relieves me, but at the same time, I am freaked out by this norm, almost as much as I am with my knowledge of Freud’s theory of the Oedipal Complex. This filial fondling is just not something you want to think about, much less are taught when learning about human development/parenting/gender differences, etc as I did as a coed majoring in psychology.

Perhaps even more discomfiting than the ubu experience is my extrapolation of the Oedipal complex, and the conclusion I’ve arrived at as the mother of a boy.

Think of Pavlov’s dogs.

Then think about parenting roles in western society.

Who usually changes diapers? Mommy.

What does a diaper change usually entail? Cleaning a baby’s more primitive, pleasure areas.

So for a baby boy, early penile stimulation is generally going to be associated with Mommy’s face looking down at him. Freaky, huh?

Especially freaky for me is the fact that my mother-in-law is also a red-head!

So much for intellectual discovery, best for me to use another Freudian mechanism regarding this: REPRESSION.