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So… I have this theory….

There is a reason why bridesmaids and brides are indeed supposed to be fair maidens and virginal; such distinctive traits insure that they have not gained The Honeymoon’s Over 30+ (forget the Freshman 15, kids) nor will they have endured the expansion, contraction and subsequent sagging due to the  bearing of offspring.

In other words, wedding dresses and bridesmaids dresses are for people who still look good!  I’m telling you the truth on this one – I mean just look at how many of these dresses are strapless!  Not to mention that so many of the fabrics, ahem satin, tend to hug every lump and bump a girl’s got, particularly when paired with a shade from the family known as pastel.

So I went dress shopping for my MOH dress for my sister’s wedding today.  Because I love my sister and will do anything I can to make her day great, I opted to, you know, actually try dresses on versus risking an on-line order fiasco.  This was a humbling experience.  Yet one I now know to have been completely necessary.

First off, they didn’t have any of the dress styles in my size that were of the same color my sister has chosen.  So some dresses were hard to imagine the right way, as the colors were all quite wrong.

Secondly, I should have realized that all the models in the catalog are GIANTESSES with legs that never end, and thus all the styles I eschewed as being too short, actually were about right.  And the ones that I thought were a nice modest length, made me look as if I had nubs for legs.

Proof, you ask?  You want proof that it really was.  That.  Bad.  Well look no further.

Pardon the bra straps in this picture – it was the first I tried on. I ditched the bra later. I really do like this one – it is simple, modest neckline, and flattering fit, too.  But that thing I mentioned about satin hugging all the lumps and bumps?  It is kind of doing this in a bright color, and I’m leary about what the lighter sage green (peridot, if you will) might do on my body’s hardly level topography.

This one fit ok in the skirt and with the length, but the halter would need to be trimmed so that the bust would come up – too low and much boobage is viewable.

This one was ok – my arm/boob junction chub kind of overlaps the top seam of the dress which made me somewhat self-conscious, and the length was a lot longer than it appeared to be in the catalog – so I think would look better shorter.

This one is a no go – if you look at my back reflection, my back fat is scooshed such that it looks like I have a butt crack in the middle of my back.  Also – too short on the leg and low on the bust – made me look smooshed down and wide a la a funhouse mirror.  That’s a great look.  Not.

My friend and I really liked this one (particularly that it was chocolate which is a color totally owned by me).  In fact my friend made the remark, “That’s a dress that I’m afraid would have Seth itching to take you into a back room!”  LOL.  Concern: it is cotton sateen and they had no peridot anything in sateen with which we could compare and get a read on what the fabric/color combo might actually look like WORN.   Reason: like satin, sometimes a light cotton fabric will “cling” to lumps and bumps on a woman’s figure – think heavy girl in khaki pants, ‘nuf said, right?  Also….about this point I began to hate on my shoulders – I am really broad in the shoulders in proportion to the rest of my body and feel as if the length from my shoulders to my chest is kind of long, leaving me feeling quite exposed in a strapless fashion.  If I were to go with this I would probably order a wrap to wear on my shoulders.

This dress is ok too…it’s not my favorite but my friend thought it looked really nice.  It too is the cotton sateen, but flares away from my tummy troubles so it could work well.  Holy cow was that blue friggin’ electric – Debbie Gibson and visions of blue mascara began playing in my gotta-connect-everything-to-pop-culture mind.

In one of the worst color picks of the day, was this palest pink dress – which again was a deceptively LONG dress.  Other than the need for a length alteration, it wasn’t such a bad dress.

There were others – the mod 60’s TANGERINE (I mean who chooses TANGERINE, neon orange, for their wedding color?) that was so NOT flattering to my bod, a few sweetheart necklines in which I felt like Kirstie Alley trying to model Victoria’s Secret (:shudders:) and a few others that were just meh.

On a positive note – my calves have totally deffed up with all the running.  I put those heels on and was like, “Wowza, who’s the chick with the supa hot legs there?”  So the dress might suck [on me], but my legs will totally be rocking the high heels – all is not lost.

Thoughts on any of these dresses?  Make your vote count!

So my sister is getting married in March.

And I am her maid (matron, technically, but we both think that word is woefully OLD sounding, which I of course am nothing of the sort!) of honor – and totally flattered to be considered such, too!

Most of the dresses for such a person as me are, uh, strapless.

Which presents a bit of a problem, as 1.) even though I have lost 30 lbs in the past 8 months (w00t!) I still have some chub on my arms, and 2.) between breastfeeding 3 kiddos and uh, the passage of time, well, gravity has not been kind suffice to say.

Today I began to tackle #1.  Seeing as our temps have been FRIGID of late I have not been running as often as I’d like (averaging about 1x/wk – BOO!).  So, I knew I needed an indoor venue.  At mentioning such to a friend of mine, I was told that there was a local gym offering a free month’s membership in the coupon mailer this month.  And I was totally on it!  This morning I was running on a great treadmill while Christopher chilled in the nursery (all the while doing great there).  When I got done with my 30 min run, I said, “Hello, Mr. Dumbbell!” and proceeded to work my arms into jello.  Bonus of this outing?  Guaranteed shower for the day – at home, this is not always feasible.  So I felt great and then looked and smelled great for the rest of the day, hurrah!

Now….problem solving for issue #2 is not quite there, but I’m sure there are strapless bras out there that are not torture devices, and may help with lift.  Right?  This is your cue, dear internets, to clue me into the great products out there – that great word-of-mouth advertising that mommybloggers tend to promote.  Only caveat is BUDGET.

As for my title….well, I like to shop in a hunter-gatherer sort of mode.  Meaning I like to know EXACTLY what I’m after, spy it and walk out with it.  Not much for trying on millions of things, making an hours-in-the-making decision, and leaving unsure of whether I’ve got the right thing.

So, again, this is where I’m calling on you, dear readers with GREAT taste, who love to shop!  Help me find a MOH dress!

  • The dress must be green, in the sage or lighter variety (however, I do not look quite so hot in pastel shades, so the sagier the better).
  • While I’m working on being able to pull off strapless, I’d love a cap sleeve or even straps, spaghetti or otherwise.
  • Empire waist is a plus over fitted shapes, imo, for my shape
  • I’m pretty evenly proportioned, not too pear shaped (though have a bit of a tendency that direction), so something that flatters curves of an average height
  • I think tea length is more appropos than floor length given my build, but it’s not a priority per se

Send in your links in the comments.

Thanks!

Yesterday morning in the kitchen as we are doing the morning rush:

Punkinhead – Hey, LMNOB do you have Oprah today?

LMNOB and me – Huh?????

LMNOB – You mean that black lady on the TV?

Punkinhead, exasperated – No! I mee-ean that singing thing you do!

:cue lightbulb: Oprah = Opera in his little boy mind! Aha!

LMNOB, all self-righteous: It’s CHOIR, Punkinhead, not OPERA! And yes, I do have choir after school today.

Well, then!

***********************
My bedroom, the other night as Charlie Brown and I are settling in for the night.

Charlie Brown: Dang, woman! You are getting skinny on me.

Me (stupidly doing that female thing where I protest at a compliment): I’d hardly call myself skinny.

Charlie Brown: Better than a TURD like me.

Me: Charlie Brown! Why are you saying that, you don’t let me get away with putting myself down, so knock it off!

Charlie Brown: You misunderstand, my dear. TURD….Totally Un-Resistable Dude.

Me: Bwahahahaha…..You’re, muahaha, too much! Oh, my heck, my sides hurt. Besides, isn’t the proper term irresistable?

Charlie Brown: There you go, putting me down again.

Oh brother…….

Men!

© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

I have always loved REO Speedwagon.

And because I think in reference to pop culture at any given moment, it is no surprise that this song popped into my head this morning.

You see, I am still puking in the mornings, despite being in my 3rd trimester, despite eating protein at night and taking my prenatal with food earlier in the evening (as opposed to right before bed), etc., etc. But it’s ok, really because once I’m done (usually before I eat or drink anything) I’m done for the day and good to go. No all day nausea or inability to eat/drink for fear of not keeping it down, or anything serious like that.

But there is this rather indelicate problem that sometimes arises. Sometimes the urge to purge strikes me before I’ve had a chance to eliminate the night’s culmination of holding my bladder.

And so I puke and pee simultaneously. Each heave forces a new trickle of urine down my leg. Makes me feel SOOOOOOOO grown-up and self-assured, let me tell you.

So how in Hades did my twisted brain connect the dots between an 80’s love song and this disgraceful phenomenon?

For starters, the original video (see below) has a baby at the beginning of it – coincidence? I think not.

Moreover, check out the first two lines of the song:

I cant fight this feeling any longer
And yet Im still afraid to let it flow

I know, I’ve got a sick sense of recall at the strangest moments.

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

This morning I woke up with hands that looked like the Stay Puft Marshmello Man’s, and because they were so ginormously swollen, they ITCHED terribly. So badly, that both Charlie Brown and I laughed about just what activity may have caused this….ahem. My new James Avery ring, that I’ve been intermittently changing from wearing on my index finger to my middle finger, was barely budging off my middle finger. My hands were huge and painful.

Then the queasies….I’ve been actually sick about every other day for a week now – but the nausea is a daily occurrence that usually subsides about noon. This morning was a throw-up day (not by some psycho-somatic schedule, but by actually happening) and after the first heave, I saw some stars dancing around my head. Having experienced edema, changes in visual field and more woefully preeclamptic symptoms while pregnant with LMNOB (who was consequently induced lest I go into eclamptic seizures) I felt my red flags go up….briefly. Because, I would later remember, preeclampsia doesn’t usually show up until 20wks or more in a pregnancy. And I’m only 7 wks. So I was left thinking: WTH?

Then, as I swapped roles with the toilet – from bowing down to sitting on it – I realized that my downstairs’ flora has, erm, become a bit overgrown, if ya know what I mean. Just because there is a bun in the oven, in my opinion, that is no reason to have yeast overflowing. ANNNNNNNNND – the worst of all that is that I’m out of commission for a week b/c the doc says Monistat 7 is the only way to go whilst pg. No fair!

Hmmm….what else is there to whine about?

My hair – yes my hair. My normally very compliant with heat, gloriously bodied and voluminous hair has decided to rebel against me. Every morning is a battle, and given that my energy is in the tanks, the hair usually wins. And the shade appears to have changed – people keep asking me if I’ve lightened it and I’m all, “people, I haven’t done a damned thing to it – it has a mind of its own lately.”

At work the office across the hall from mine insists on burning the remaining coffee in the pot each day – which helps my queasies NONE.

I’m tired. I’m cranky. And while this baby is so something that I want and love – I just need a break. I need to take a full day off and just sleep. But for me to feel as if I could do that, I would probably need a maid to come in and overhaul my house first so that I could rest in peace without feeling as if I needed to “just do this one thing…” before going to bed.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

P.S. I called my doc about the preeclampsia worries, and she seemed to think it was all dehydration-related. She told me to check my BP at the pharmacy where I was getting my Monistat from and if it was normal, to just hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. BP was normal at 121/75 so I’m drinking ginger ale and gatorade as much as I can stomach it.

Dumb Test

I guess this means I am 88% brilliant?

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

So you know….Charlie Brown and I are mixing things up in the bedroom, trying new things.

One thing that is really hot for me is to have music playing while we’re enjoying one another – makes me think back to the days when we were young and dating, in college and newlywed. Ya know, back when life was a soundtrack?

So I’ve been cruising iTunes and making some select purchases…

So far, I’ve got:

Dave Matthews Band – Crash into me

Pat Monahan – Her Eyes

John Mayer – Your Body is a Wonderland

Ingrid Michaelson – The Way I Am

If you’re familiar with any or all of these, you’ll see that the style I’m after is:

  • Acoustic
  • REAL lyrics – No booty-thumpin’ “R&B” (those are SO air quotes too, b/c today’s R&B is like the crack babies of the real kings of soul like Marvin Gaye) and no power mush stuff
  • NOT Celine Dion or any other diva ballad – see the “real” criteria above

Any suggestions, following my criteria?

I need some help here, ladies!

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Note to BlogHer: No, Zestra is not paying me to write this. You MUST see if they would like to play in our ad program – because EVERY WOMAN needs to know about this product.

Ahem…

Remember how I said that I lost my friend, O? (And no, that does not stand for Oprah or her mag) Because of the very necessary evil that is an SSRI antidepressant? And then I said, well, she’s not GONE forEVER….just not a frequent flier like she used to be?

Well…that last part’s still true. As is the fact that she doesn’t pack as much of a bang with her anymore, and well, lately I’ve been kind of ambivalent because why do ALL THAT WORK for ho-hum?

I mean, when a girl breaks out the toys and the O is still just so-so…meh.

So tonight I’m at Wally World picking up some last minute stuff for our trip. (2 more days!) And I walk by the condom/lube display when I saw something I’d not seen before.

After thoroughly checking it out, I decide what the hay, right?

After a trial run….I have this to say:

RUN, do not walk, and go get thee some Zestra!

I have tried some other stuff that was “sensual,” and “warming,” etc, and they all fell rather flat.

Not only did my O show up to the party, but she packed a toe-curling wallop that I haven’t felt in 2 months or so.

:enter contented sigh:

Heehehe

I am sharing all of this because I’m haunted by Madeline Albright: There is a special circle in hell for women who don’t help other women.

I’m HELPING, y’all!

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Dear Brain,

Hiya. Just thought I’d do a little check-in with you as some changes have begun that I’m not so sure need to be happenin’.

Before we go into all that though, I just want to say thanks. You do a mean job at keeping the heart pumpin’ and feeding instincts going and all that other stuff that keeps us alive.

First it was the sex, and you know, I totally was diggin’ on that. That’s one change that I was welcoming.

Then you kind of slacked in the whole serotonin production thing, and well, I’m going easy on you because it seems to have become a documented handicap. No fears – we just pop a pill and voila! Life is better. Except the sex thing. Now I have this drive that kicks into high gear, but goes nowhere. Well, not nowhere – but let’s just say you’ve become rather male and the drive is not so much matching the destination these days. Don’t really know what to do about that – it’s not like the male fix where we can jsut look at a map and figure out how to align the driving with the destination.

So there’s this thing going on with our skin. Brain, we are 29 not 13 again! Please call a halt to the oil production, a’ight? Not only is it ugly, but these zits hurt like the dickens – me no likey.

Then, there’s this thing with the body hair. Slowly, over the past 6 months or so, I’ve noticed an increasing amount of nasal hair, PROTRUDING FROM OUR NOSE! This is not supposed to be happening, and I’ll tell you why. 1.) It makes us look like we are gross. 2.) It catches every little speck and germ floating around in the free world and as a result we are having many more boogers and colds. This is an evolutionary abomination – as we age we should AVOID sickness as our body shuts down on the health. For the love of life, stop with the freaky long nasal hairs.

And…there’s no logical reason for us to suddenly sprout chin hairs. This is an old lady condition, brain. We are 29 not 89! I had to pluck one yesterday – thankfully it was just a long, fuzzy hair instead of a wiry one, but it’s still alarming. Also, I have a thickening patch of peach fuzz along my upper lip. What the hell good is the biological-clock-induced sex drive if you are going to make us look like a MAN?

I’m not ready for all of this. Puberty was stressful enough. Please change us back to 25, and I will be very happy.

Thank you!

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Because what spunky red-head worth her salt can resist a dare?

And because several of my bloggies have been brave enough to do this – so must I then…

The Mission:
Your mission, should you choose to accept it: Post a photo of yourself taken right now. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, grab a camera and snap. No retouching, just the rawness of a moment in time. Then post your photo on flickr or your blog/site, and share the link in comments here.
Ready? GO.


Taken at 12:30 pm Friday, just after sitting at the kitchen table with lappy – to do school work.

But then I got a call from some attorney in California, asking for Charlie Brown or Heather Meyer – told him that he had the H factor of that equation, and then he goes all, “I need to talk to your father in law about a legal matter.”

“Uh, well he’s never lived here – he lives over on the other side of the mountains from here.”

“Oh, uh, I think I may have the wrong Meyer’s then. Your father-in-law isn’t Robert Meyer is it?”

“Nope!”

So yeah…schoolwork. That sounds fun, but let me just check out Becky first….

And here we are.

I have make-up on, but only because I thought I was going to the office today – but LMNOB is hacking worse than Thelma and Selma, so, home we are.

My hairs in the front are all askew b/c I just got done sweeping/mopping the downstairs.

And do I look tired? Because I am. It’s Friday though, yay!

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

I'm a 30-something with a bend toward the spunky and unconventional. I like to accent big words and academics with slang and pop culture - makes me a little more well-rounded. My husband and I follow Christ and am training up my 3 precious kiddos to do the same. This means that I'm human and I fail - a LOT, but there is beauty in sharing that with others. Last, but not least, in case you haven't noticed, I'm prone to rambling. It may seem unrelated to you but the little "tangents" I go on are all interconnected in my mind!

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