Except that it wasn’t totally impossible.

I found some time for myself. To truly write about what’s on my heart, to brave the rapids that my streams of consciousness have become. Expect multiple lines in this post as the topics are many.

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MENTAL HEALTH

  • I’ve been avoiding the warning signs…thinking that my shift in affect was either 1.)situational or 2.) tied to my menstrual cycle. And while these two are always partners in crime in being factors leading up to my depressions, they are not IT. IT is a biochemical tendancy towards depression. I need to call my doc and be seen, figure out meds, etc.

    I hate this shit. As much as I am NOT anti-meds, it really sucks when having to weigh the very real pros and cons. As in, I can pretty much kiss my sex life goodbye, welcome involuntary body tics, the worst cottonmouth I’ve ever had, etc. Not to mention wondering what the hell the long-term side effects of psychotropic drugs are having on my body. But, is it worth it for me to be a sane, peaceable mama again? Probably….

    I hate knowing that I’ve gotten to this point, because I feel like I’ve done it to myself. That by taking on so damned much, job going full-time last year and starting up grad school in addition to the family life, that I sent my brain into overwhelm – I mean everybody else is overwhelmed with my life, why wouldn’t I be? And knowing that my brain has a tendancy to get stuck, well I keep hearing my MIL’s voice when I told her I’d decided to go back to school, “I just hope you don’t put yourself back in a place where you were last year, Heather.”

    Then again, who the hell knows just what the magic trigger was?

    I also feel like my mind is my greatest and worst single asset I possess. I mean I’m very intelligent and aware which are good things, right? But sometimes these things turn on me and I implode with intelligence and self-awarenesses that have magnified things within my soul that most people are not aware of in themselves.

    I’m so dysfunctional that even my defense mechanisms suck at protecting my own psyche from myself…and I don’t say that to be all woe is me, I have no self-esteem, but more as sometimes I wish I could be more clueless and not see just how much my actions impact others. In other words, sometimes I wish Charlie Brown and I could meet more in the middle on this realm.

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SELF ACTUALIZATION

  • Part of my cognitive dissonance is because with school, work and family, I feel that I have become less engaged in my community than I’d like to be. I’m feeling more inwardly focused when I value serving others. In doing so, as I told my Mum, I feel like while I’m going to school to gain the credibility and authority to really impact the lives of people like myself that I’m losing connection with that part of myself and becoming one of “them,” i.e. the social do-gooder that really doesn’t know what people in poverty want/need to succeed because they have been warped by academia. Life is not textbook, folks, and thus neither should be my experience.

    My Mum is the director of a local IHN, and their organization is getting ready to add the role of landlord to their services as they are building property specific transitional housing for families completing their program. It is alien territory for them.

    But not for me, former housing coordinator extraordinaire.

    And her board is rather full of upper middle class WASP-y old men – good hearts, but lacking the wherewithal and knowledge to help their ED really transform the lives of the people she works with by sharing her burdens.

    So, I cleared it with The Boss, to ensure no huge conflicts of interest since the City is a funder, and looks like as long as I do not process their grant draws (rather, the Boss would) and steer clear of City Council presentations on behalf of the organization, it would be perfectly ok.

    So I’m stoked about that.

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SCHOOL

  • I’m registering for summer school today. Am torn about one class or two because one of the electives being offered online is near and dear to my heart – a more advanced policy class than the core one – and poverty policy is where my heart lies. I’m pouring over the syllabi and will see if I think it is do-able.
  • Punkinhead had kindy visitation (kind of like an orientation where they shadowed real kindergarteners for an hour while the parents had a presentation with the principal – whom I love btw) on Wednesday and it melted my little heart to see just how super excited he is for kindergarten. “Mommy, I’m gonna go to school and EVERYONE will know who I AM!!!!” Honey, with that winning personality of yours, they certainly will.

  • LMNOB’s last day for school is May 30 and she’s getting a bit anxious about the transition to summer. Not because she doesn’t enjoy being out of school, but the friends who are constants in her life right now might not be so constant over the summer. And with the new school opening next year some of her friends will not be back at our school….including our neighbor A who is LMNOB’s BFF. She will be going to the other school b/c her grandparents live in the other school’s neighborhood and since they are her afterschool care, it just works out that way. I told LMNOB that they will still see each other everyday since we live next door to each other, but she’s not totally convinced.

    I’m a bit nervous about next year’s schooling for LMNOB because it means explaining SID and the terms of our 504 plan all over to a newbie. What if they don’t get it?

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LMNOB

  • We had some weirdness this past month, but my schedule was wonky and I wasn’t as consistent with the sensory diet as we should have been. She complained several weeks ago that her top teeth were bugging her, and I thought, “Well, maybe they are starting to get loose.”

    Last week she told me that her teeth felt sharp again, and sure enough, she had another permanent tooth erupting behind her bottom front baby tooth, which was not the slightest bit loose. I had a dental appointment set for today and said I would get her in with me. Last night she was talking about teeth being sharp again and both of her top front permies are coming in too. Only they are fairly far back, almost in the roof of her mouth.

    So we are gonna have a hella time at the dentist today. :sigh:

  • Recently I commented to my friend DSW (who is an RN) that LMNOB seemed to have really horrible “poopy-smelling” breath – to which she responded that perhaps LMNOB was badly constipated because she’d noticed people who were really constipated having breath that smelled like stools at the hospital. So for the past several days we have been making LMNOB drink more fluids and juices (we already eat several helpings of fruits/veggies each day), and the immediate results have been stunning. The sheer amount of crap that has come out of my baby is baffling. She told us it had been over a week since she’d gone poop…..by the looks of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if it had been longer. I asked her if her tummy had been hurting because she hadn’t gone in such a long time and she looked blankly at me and said, “I don’t really know.”

    Then I found this article which confirmed all of the thoughts we’d had.

    BT the OT and I had talked before about the fecal smearing possibly being tied to elimination issues and what not; however LMNOB’s reports had me thinking she was more irritable bowel-like because she was having alternate episodes of constipation/diarrhea. We definitely had known that LMNOB had a hard time recognizing/sensing the urge to go, but I had no idea that it would go this far. At yesterday’s session, BT the OT told me of an autistic girl on her caseload who’d recently had to have her feces surgically removed from her bowels because she hadn’t eliminated in over 3 weeks and there was a massive impaction.

    So this is just another shoe that can drop on us that I need to be on the lookout for. Fun times.

  • BT the OT wants us to start the brushing protocol with LMNOB this summer. We’d talked about it last year and our former daycare lady just had so many young kiddos that I didn’t think it was feasible. This year I think it is more feasible, just gonna be a lot of work.

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And there’s more, always more, but I’m running short on time. Seems this writing things out thing takes a honking big chunk out of personal time.

But if nothing else, I feel better. 🙂

ETA- Why did someone not tell me I misspelled Squeezing? Fixed now.

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

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