This post inspired by my all time favorite Jewel song:


Ok…you got me. They are all my favorites. I love Jewel. Did I ever tell ya’ll that I sang her at my highschool pops concert, when she was new?

The Sun all too cheerfully peers in through my blinds this morning.

I, not yet ready for wakefulness, resist, turning over on my side and hiding my face from her charms beneath my plush comforter.

Angry at this rebuff, She directs her more intense arms of brilliant white gold light to penetrate through my window. They do, carrying her indignant message. “I give you Spring, dammit! You’re Supposed to wake up and relate your soul’s beautiful awakening and rejuvenation to the one going on outside! You’re Supposed to enjoy this – why aren’t you enjoying this?”

Yes, folks, Spring has sprung.

And despite arriving after one of Colorado’s Longest. Winters. Ever. I’m just not twitterpated with the gloriousness of the Sun’s presentations of Herself; nor with her accessories of green, delicate buds, and rich soils.

I fear Spring has become a Supposed to Season for me.

I am now Supposed to have arms worthy of short sleeves, legs worthy of skirts and capris.

Instead I am carrying an obscene amount of winter weight; the results of my body’s desperate attempts to increase serotonin to my depressed brain.

I am Supposed to garb myself in cute, springy clothes.

Instead I have no clothes that fit. (Even if I did, they aren’t clean, see below)

I am Supposed to find respite from depression and strength in the Sun’s now extended hours.

Instead, I find myself still wondering why there aren’t more hours in a day, and just how am I supposed to enjoy the Sun when I still have the obligations of indoors beckoning to me? The fog is leaving me, but now the disgust at the outcomes produced by my lack of motivation hits and the futility of catching up looms. So now I am left only more mindful of the consequences of Winter, but no more motivated to cure them.

I am Supposed to be awed by the miracle of Life.

Instead I feel trapped by the very obvious fact that it keeps moving forward. Can’t time just stand still for a moment? Can’t I just get caught up?

I am Supposed to instinctively desire closeness from my mate. It is the season of fertility after all.

Instead I am dreaming of time away. In solitude. I grow resentful that the burden of catch-up rests solely upon me, as he would never dream of fixing the chaos – he just doesn’t know where to begin. And I do?

I am Supposed to want to be active and eat fresh foods.

Instead lethargy and carbs abound. Thank goodness for coffee.

I am Supposed to be able to pull it together, plant seeds of hope in my mind and watch them bloom.

And though I know there to be solace in positivity and exercise, it seems like a great big hurdle to jump.

—written 4/21/08

Edited to add….Since writing this I have:

Jaunted about on a 90 minute walk (yesterday) in the Sun (She has since retaliated against my morning snubs by brandishing me with a pink countenance)

Seen a -3 change in lbs on the Mo[u]rning Scale Report

Resumed St. John’s Wort (consistently…I’ve concluded that 3 doses spread over 6 mos is not effective) and Omega-3 Supplement

Done the dishes (for the first time in about a week – this morning)

Gone to bed “early” (10:30 – can’t go earlier on a consistent basis)

Wished daily that I could break away from being a Negative Nellie

Gone to (and participated in) LMNOB’s first aquatic OT session…and realized how blessed we are. Repeat on Wednesday.

Begun drinking Yogi Detox tea in the mornings.

Realized that I still just need to get away and find some peace, clarity, serenity….

Any bloggy friends up for a bloggy girls road trip?

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

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