I’m worried about my little girl.

I’ve always worried off and on about LMNOB, wondering if perhaps she had some kind of social, sensory, and/or mood disorder, but have thus far been able to chalk it up to my knowing too much about those things, ya know?

LMNOB has always been a challenge for us, from day one. Also, she is also the source of some of our brightest, most penetrating rays of sunshine.

We’ve always had “issues” with her, but have been having a lot of turmoil lately, and best case scenario – she’s got some socializing and self-esteem issues; Worst case scenario – she has my family’s DNA with respect to mood disorders. Even considering the last one has me feeling irrationally guilty and scared for her.

Whenever she’s gone into her rages/panic attacks/depressions, which are not so rare (here, here, here, and here – and those are just the documented cases) but not so frequent that they are constant, I’ve always wondered if there might be something wrong, but again, because they weren’t so regular, and because Charlie Brown thought I was nuts, I sloughed it off. These episodes still are not everyday, but I would say that they have increased both in frequency and intensity since she started school. They are most often displays of anger than anything, but anxiety has been showing up as well as sadness more recently.

Last night she was particularly blue, and as we got to talking, she is having social problems with her peers at school – sort of. You see, LMNOB tends to be something of a smotherer with her friends and family. I don’t know if it is some funky kind of over-attachment, low self-esteem, extreme lack of identity or what, but when she likes someone she wants to be their EVERYTHING, following them, competing for their sole and constant attention, and touching all the time. It bugs me, but I can be tactful about it. Other 5 and 6 y/o’s usually aren’t very kind, and when they tire of her smothering, they make the “I don’t want to be your friend” decision.

It’s happening more and more, and it is painful to see how socially awkward she is with her peers.

She and I did not talk about this angle of things last night, but I did remind her that she is a loving, generous, sensitive girl who is beautiful inside and out, that sometimes people don’t want to be our friends and that’s ok, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us or with them, we just don’t fit together as friends, and that we are still nice to these people, even though we might let the whole friends thing go. I’ve done just about everything I can to try and make things more attentive at home, and Charlie Brown too, which only sometimes works, and other times royally bites us in the butt with MORE of this behavior….

It could just be developmental and a phase, but the thought of some kind of disorder just haunts me – I sort of feel like it is inevitable, given my history, and that of my family’s – not to mention the nagging suspicion that has been around since her toddler days. Her eyes were just so sad last night and this morning, she isn’t coming out of it, and it scares me to see such pain and desperation in her eyes so young.

I’m calling the therapist and our pediatrician today to see if there is anyone that they would recommend to see/ be tested by.

I’m a wreck. I know the hell of depression and low self-esteem and wished that I could shield my kiddos from both evils. Please pray…